What to Do Before Saying "I Do"--Questions and Tips

Life’s Big Questions: What to talk about before marriage

·         Kids: not just “do you want them”, but how many, when will we have them, how will we raise them?

·         Money: keeping accounts, debt, roles, saving, spending habits

·         Religion: holidays, families, children, daily issues

·         Sex: what you can and cannot tolerate, expectations

·         Fidelity: what do you see as cheating (is lunch with a coworker okay?  How about flirting with an old flame on Facebook)?

Pay attention to jitters vs. cold feet.  It’s normal to feel nervous, but not normal to dread your partner or only see his or her faults leading up to the wedding. 

Other tips:

·         Start at the beginning: when you first get married, don’t be afraid to be a novice; no one knows everything when they first start out.

·         Love your spouse and your life: build a life together that you both enjoy.

·         Look before you leap: date for at least a year so that you see each other in all seasons and on important dates like holidays, birthdays, deaths.  Dr. Law says to go camping before you commit to marriage; you learn a lot about a person after three days without a real shower.

Hatfield, H. (2007). Marriage Prep 101. WebMD.

Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/marriage-prep-101

            Pre-marital education can also be helpful; a counselor or educator can help you go over these and other topics before you take your vows. 

           If things come up while preparing for your wedding and you realize that you don’t want to go through with it right now, that’s okay. Postponing the wedding or calling it off all together will often be very difficult, but it might be better for everyone in the long run. 

Remember that a pre-wedding divorce is always better than a post-wedding one. 

Interesting fact: couples with the most expensive weddings are more likely to divorce.  It’s not that spending money on a wedding makes you hate your spouse; rather, it’s more likely that those who spend the most have a “fairy-tale” view of marriage and may not be prepared for the realities of married life. Don’t go into your marriage only thinking about your wedding!

What to Do Before Saying "I Do"--Warning Signs

Getting married is one of the biggest transitions in one’s life.  There are many things that can be done to make the transition easier for all involved, and to help build a foundation for a wonderful marriage for years to come.

Warning Signs before Marriage or Engagement

           Before marriage we should have our eyes WIDE OPEN and after marriage we should keep them HALF SHUT. 

           These aren’t the kind of problems that only show up when dating and then go away after marriage; they often only get worse. Don’t trust that someone will suddenly change for the better after the wedding; if anything, these traits may show up worse than ever.

Does your partner

  1. Have extreme views on political, family, religious, or world affairs?
  2. Encourage you to develop your talents and progress, or do they want to keep you hidden in a            closet, away from the rest of the world?
   3. Allow you time for yourself, or is your partner possessive?
   4. Encourage you to have your own interests, your own life too? If no, there may be a problem.
   5. Allow you to spend time with your friends, or is your partner jealous of your friends and the             time you spend with them?
   6. Compare you to past boyfriends or girlfriends?
   7. Take an interest in other people, or is your partner selfish with his/her time and pursuits?
   8. Exhibit behaviors that suggest that the world revolves around him/her?
   9. Exhibit behaviors that suggest personality faults such as deep insecurity, excessive     jealousy, uncontrollable temper, and inflexibility?
  10. Exhibit character flaws such as being condescending, or lying, cheating, stealing, arrogance, etc.?
  11. Fail to admit mistakes and can never admit to being "wrong?" (Look for humility and           meekness, but personal confidence as well)
  12. Often exhibit negative or critical traits?
  13. Complain about your family or spending time with your family?
  14. Seek to build relationships with your family, or does your partner lack the skills to do so?  

   15. Have difficulty relating to his/her own family? (Note: This is a huge Red Flag that your       partner will have difficulty in his/her own family relationships later on)
   16. Enjoy work or is your partner prone to laziness and irresponsibility?
   17. Have the television on all the time at his/her apartment or home?
   18. Criticize your personal appearance?
   19. Tell you that you need to lift weights, go jogging, or join a health club?
   20. Make fun of your weight or other bodily traits?
   21. Verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse you?
   22. Tear you down and then try to come back a few days later as "Mr. Nice Guy," promising     that it will never happen again?
   23. Need to make major social or emotional changes in his/her life?
   24. Promise that he/she will change after the wedding?
   25. Have some of the same goals, dreams, and aspirations as you do, or does he or she have a completely different life plan?

Adapted from D.E. Brinley & M.D. Ogletree, First Comes Love
[Covenant Communications: American Fork, Ut., 2001], pp. 75-77.

Strongermarriage.org

Save the Children -- Breastfeeding Benefits - Parenting.com

 Superfood for Babies:
All women deserve the support they need to breastfeed, if they choose to. Breastfeeding has important benefits for moms and babies everywhere, and can literally save lives in the developing world. Save the Children’s new report, Superfood for Babies, estimates that 830,000 babies could be saved if all women breastfed in the first hour of life. Exclusive breastfeeding for six months could save even more lives. Yet, the report explains, moms face four significant barriers to successful breastfeeding.

Save the Children -- Breastfeeding Benefits - Parenting.com

Building a childs self-esteem

Self-esteem is defined in the text as “a personal judgment of worthiness that is expressed in the attitudes the individual holds toward himself.” Children need to feel valued and loved. They need to have the confidence that they can handle most things that they encounter and they need to feel that they deserve to be happy about their achievements. Healthy self-esteem comes when there is a balance of the child feeling loved, valued, and feeling happy about their accomplishments. A child’s self-esteem can be built by being the child’s biggest cheerleader; by supporting them as they try and fail and try again and succeed. This builds confidence within them; and they learn to trust others and to form healthy relationships; they need to hear stories of failures and successes from adults so that they can relate and understand that it is normal and healthy to sometimes fail, but the important thing is to be persistent and never give up. Praise is like giving a child a “verbal trophy.” It is best used in praising the child for the effort and not the accomplishment. Praising only the accomplishment can lead to a low self-esteem if it takes some time to achieve the task or goal the child has before them. If we only praise the accomplishment they may never hear the words of praise they seek. Children need to hear praise in order to believe they are loved and important and worthwhile. With children that I may work with, I can be very observant of their behaviors, efforts and achievements, and listen when they want to share feelings and emotions. I can help them feel cared for and that they are important to someone. Children need to feel competent and confident that they can learn to control behaviors. I can praise them when they are able to control things that may be hard for them, such as being quiet for the teacher or not hitting a child back that hit them. When a child feels they are loved and of value, they will have a healthier self-esteem. Positive, genuine praise will support the feelings of love and value. - FCHD 3520 Student

Personality test based on Jung and Briggs Myers typology

 Find out about yourself and those you love for free!
Personality test based on Jung and Briggs Myers typology